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Shedding My Old Paradigm of God

Hello Peeps, I miss my old paradigm.  Let me explain.  All throughout my high school years I thought of God as an abstract force pervading the universe somehow tightly coupled with the dynamic of love.  I assumed from the beginning of my spiritual journey that it was all about becoming attuned to this universal force of love.  I pursued Jesus like he was the Zen master of Love and that I could become more skillful at using this power called God.  I wanted to be a Jesus Jedi.  My paradigm is shifting now though.  It kinda sucks but I know it's for the better.  This last week I spent learning about the Holy Spirit and learning to obey the voice of the Holy Spirit and accepting His presence in our souls.  God is not an abstract force that we learn to use like in Star Wars.  He's a person with feelings and perfect wisdom and insight, He's not looking for us to excel in the ways of his force.  He's looking for us to obey His voice.  It's really kinda scary.  Surrendering my life to the input of the Holy Spirit requires a lot of trust, trusting God to instruct you to do things that you want to do and trusting yourself to hear Him correctly.   Christianity was so much easier when all I knew about was that I was supposed to act like Jesus.  This whole personal relationship with God thing is kinda weird.  I don't want to give God license to change my plans or prompt me to do something whenever, by merely putting a thought in my head that sounds like it's from Him.  Answering the phone or the door is annoying enough when I'm concentrated on one of my goals.  And Holy Spirit doesn't even need a phone, or a doorbell.  He can just drop a thought into my head whenever He feels like it!  Developing Jesus skills feels so much more .... relaxing, more acheivable, more like my old paradigm where you're just exercising spiritual muscles and getting stronger at loving others.  What's it going to be like every time a Bible-compatible thought comes into my head that I have to seek out/feel out if it's from the Holy Spirit?  It doesn't sound like fun.

But...

the gut wrenching irony is that this is actually an answer to prayer.  I wanted for a long time to move from a textbook faith to a personal relationship with God in real-time. Now I'm getting closer to it and it scares the crap out of me.  So in conclusion,  Pray for me.  I'm not looking forward to this new level, totally two-way, not-just-when-I-want-to-hear-from-God level of communication but I know it's supposed to happen.  I know I'll eventually get over it and eventually have appreciation.  Pray.

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